A WEEK IN PALM SPRINGS
by
Joodie
Cast of Characters
JOODIE/NARRATOR a 51-year-old female
THE BIG GUY (TBG)/MARK a 53-year-old male, Joodie's husband
MUTTI Joodie's mother-in-law, speaks with German accent
VATI an 82-year-old male, Joodie's father-in-law, speaks with German accent
The play takes place at the family timeshare, The Oasis Resort, and surrounding areas in Palm Springs, California over the span of seven days.
ACT I, SCENE I in the car after a long, frustrating wait at the rental counter, en route to the timeshare unit
JOODIE No more sun. So much for arriving early.
TBG Oh, well. It'll be fine.
MUTTI I wrote down the directions to the unit.
VATI There is a car dealership.
MUTTI Turn left on Ramon Road.
TBG I don't think this is right.
I think we've gone too far.
VATI There is a Trader Joe's.
JOODIE No, I remember driving awhile
before we got there last time.
MUTTI Well, I wrote it down from the computer!
TBG I think we have to go back.
JOODIE Does anyone actually know where we're going?!
MUTTI (looking at her paper) This must not be right.
VATI There is the car dealership again.
You can buy a Chevy.
TBG (finally turning on the correct road) This is it.
MUTTI I didn't have this street written down.
VATI Oh, look, there is another car going in. Mark,
just drive in behind them before the gate
closes, and you won't have to push the
button! Sometimes you can get three cars
in at one time. I have seen it.
ACT I, SCENE II, later that night at the unit
VATI This remote is broken.
JOODIE (pressing buttons on the t.v. itself) These
don't work very good, either.
VATI Maybe it is the batteries.
TBG Let me see that thing.
JOODIE (picking up the other remote) Let me
try this one. (the t.v. goes to a blue screen
and won't come back) Oopsie! Oh, well,
we can just watch t.v. in our rooms.
MUTTI You have a t.v. in your room?!
ACT II, SCENE I TBG and Joodie are on a morning walk around the resort
JOODIE The sun makes the mountains pink!
TBG Look at this view from our patio!
ACT II, SCENE II as Joodie emerges from the bathroom, she is greeted by a friendly white cat.
JOODIE Hey! (bending down to pet it) Where did you come from? (moving to the living room) Where did she come from?
TBG She just jumped over the wall and came right in.
JOODIE Her tag says her name is Luna and she lives in unit 106. Look at her eyes!
One green and one blue!
ACT II, SCENE III later that day at Tahquitz Canyon for a 2-mile hike
JOODIE There is the trail sign!
VATI They must have had a lot of rain here. You don't usually see this much water.
TBG Yes, they had almost two inches last week.
VATI You don't usually see this much water here. That's a lot of rain.
TBG (to Joodie) I bet if you walk out on those rocks, you can get a great shot of the falls.
JOODIE (to man offering to take picture) Yes, please.
TBG One. Two. Three!
ACT II, SCENE IV at the pool
JOODIE Ahhh. Vitamin D!
TBG Yeah. (coughing) I think I got pool water in my lungs.
ACT II, SCENE V on the patio
TBG What are you doing?
JOODIE Putting out hummingbird food. See? I used the sugar from all the little packets to boil some food, and I attached this red piece of a brochure for color.
TBG They'll never be able to reach the liquid in that.
JOODIE Look, I made this one, too. I was going to pick some flowers off one of the bushes when no one was looking, but I found some that had fallen to the ground.
TBG They'll never come to that.
JOODIE See here? I made another one with the lid from the gelato.
TBG They'll never drink out of that.
JOODIE Be more positive, would you? Sheesh!
ACT III, SCENE I at Joshua Tree National Park, 49 Palms Oasis Trail, a 3-mile hike
JOODIE We didn't get a pass. Now we have to drive all the way back around to the visitor center to get a pass.
TBG There is no sign that says you need a pass, and the gate was open.
JOODIE But we'll get a ticket!
VATI I have a lifetime Senior Pass. It's free.
JOODIE But we need to show them that at the visitor center.
TBG Look. It would say on the signs if it required a pass here. It doesn't say that.
JOODIE But it's a National Park! You always need a pass!
TBG Other cars here don't have a pass.
JOODIE That doesn't mean they're right, they'll just all get tickets!
VATI Don't worry. I have the Senior Pass. It's free to park.
JOODIE Fine! Just leave it in the window then, and let's go. We better not get a ticket.
JOODIE Hold it! OK, thanks.
JOODIE There it is! The oasis! My favorite!
MUTTI I wish you could get down further into the oasis by the water.
TBG Well, this is a nice spot for lunch anyhow.
MUTTI I love those orange cactuses!
JOODIE Hey, you know what I just noticed?
MUTTI What?
JOODIE There are no Joshua trees around here.
TBG Go get up on those rocks.
JOODIE OK.
ACT III, SCENE II on the patio
TBG Mutti, the tag on your shoe says "waterproof" but I don't see how they can be.
ACT IV, SCENE I at Moorten Botanical Garden and Cactarium
JOODIE Stand by the sign, I'll take your picture.
VATI OK.
TBG is sitting on the bench, coughing a little.
VATI (to Joodie, out of TBG's hearing) Is Mark OK? Do you think he is OK?
JOODIE (yelling to TBG) Mark? Are you OK?
TBG (yelling back) Yes!
JOODIE (to Vati) Yes.
ACT IV, SCENE II, back at the unit
TBG (coughing) I'm taking a nap.
JOODIE You're getting a cold. I told you you didn't just swallow pool water.
TBG No, I'm not! Yes, I did! I want Luna!
JOODIE Go take a nap. (he goes)
ACT IV, SCENE III at the unit
MUTTI Where is all the sugar? I want to make Mark some hot lemon water with the lemons we got from that tree.
JOODIE I used it to make hummingbird food. But I'll go get more, I need to exchange these jigsaw puzzles anyhow. We need more coffee filters, too, and I also need a pen.
MUTTI I'll go with you.
(they go and return)
JOODIE (to Vati) They have to send someone with the coffee stuff, they won't just give it to you. But I got a pen!
(the doorbell rings, Vati opens it, an employee hands him a bag of coffee supplies)
VATI Thank you, er, gracias.
MUTTI (to employee) Coffee filters, too.
(employee looks confused, he doesn't speak English)
MUTTI Coffee filters!
VATI (waving his hands) Oh, uh, oh oh.
MUTTI COFFEE FILTERS!
JOODIE (grabbing the filters from the kitchen counter) These! These!
(employee nods and leaves, Joodie examines bag)
JOODIE Hey! There is no real sugar in here, it's all just sweeteners.
(a little while later)
VATE Mark says he wants something salty.
TBG (calling out from the bedroom) I want chips!
JOODIE (calling back) They're all gone.
MUTTI We can go to the store.
JOODIE We're not going to the store again.
MUTTI He wants chips.
JOODIE He'll live.
ACT V, SCENE I at the Living Desert Zoo, all present except TBG
JOODIE Hooray! The zoo!
JOODIE (stepping up to the admission podium) Hello, I'd like to feed the giraffes, please!
ZOO LADY #1 Great! You can take someone up with you to get photos, if you like. ? And you get a sticker. (it reads 'I fed a giraffe')
MUTTI I'll go!
ZOO LADY #2 Here's your carrots. You can break them in half to have more to feed them.
JOODIE Aw, the baby is so cute. What a soft nose!
ZOO LADY #2 That's Twiga, she's just one year old. This is her mom, Dadisi. Hold onto the carrot so she can get the photo before she takes it out of your hand.
JOODIE (not letting go of the carrot while Dadisi wraps her rough dark gray tongue around it and pulls Joodie's thumb into her mouth with the carrot) Ow! She bit me!
JOODIE (stepping up to the admission podium) Hello, I'd like to ride a camel, please!
ZOO MAN #1 Great!
ZOO LADY #3 I like your shirt.
JOODIE Thank you.
ZOO LADY #3 Have you ever ridden a camel before?
JOODIE No, that's why I'm here.
ZOO LADY #3 Great! Your camel's name is Eastwood.
JOODIE Hi, Eastwood!
JOODIE Hey, Vati, you can ride the wart hog!
VATI OK.
ACT V, SCENE II later that day, all but TBG are going to spaghetti dinner at the clubhouse
MUTTI Do you think we should ask them for another blanket?
JOODIE Do you need another blanket?
MUTTI For Mark. For the bed in the living room.
JOODIE He's got a blanket there.
MUTTI It's not enough!
JOODIE He's fine.
ACT VI, SCENE I TBG is feeling better, all going to Whitewater Preserve for a hike
TBG I wonder why that fence is there?
VATI Maybe to keep the animals in.
JOODIE Maybe to keep the animals out.
MUTTI I wonder why that fence is there?
VATI Osos and pumas!
JOODIE and viboras!
JOODIE Look out! Cholla!
TBG Now we've been on the Pacific Crest Trail here, too.
JOODIE (to Vati) That's a mighty pretty pack you have there, Ma'am.
ACT VI, SCENE II going out for dinner to Sherman's in Palm Desert
JOODIE Where are we going?
MUTTI To that place that was recommended to Mark.
JOODIE Sherman's? I thought we were going there on Saturday for brunch?
MUTTI Can't we go there twice?
JOODIE I suppose we can.
VATI How did you find this place, Mark?
TBG It was recommended by someone in an online motorcycle group.
(they study the menu)
MUTTI I'll have the corned beef and cabbage.
VATI I'll have the stuffed cabbage.
TBG I'll also have the corned beef and cabbage.
JOODIE (trying not to slide off the narrow ledge of the booth seat) I'll have the fettuccine alfredo.
MUTTI Mmmm, very good.
VATI Mmmm, good. The soup is piping hot.
TBG Mmmm, delicious.
JOODIE Mine's bland. The bleu cheese dressing was really watery, too.
(upon returning home)
VATI (to Joodie) That's how you do it. You go out to eat on vacation. No cooking. No cooking.
ACT VII, SCENE I TBG and Joodie are headed back to Joshua Tree National Park for the Lost Palms Oasis trail; Mutti and Vati are taking a bus downtown to a museum and lunch. All of this takes place during a planned power outage in the resort area.
JOODIE Hey there are a bunch of RVs parked in there. I think they're boondocking.
TBG I didn't know you could do that here.
JOODIE We'll have to drive in and read those signs on the way out. How cool if we could do that when we have the big rig. It's right at the entrance to the park!
JOODIE 4.4 miles? I thought it was 3.4?
JOODIE Well, what the heck? We've only gone, like, 50 feet not a mile.
TBG There's our trail way out there! See it?
JOODIE I wanna see a bighorn sheep.
JOODIE These washes look so fake. They're my favorite. Except for the oases. Those are really my favorite.
TBG (hiding up in the rocks to get my picture as Joodie walks through) Now why would you look up right then?!
JOODIE I didn't know you were there! I'll go back, I'll go back.
JOODIE (to TBG while he's adjusting things) I'll keep going up the hill and take your picture from up there.
JOODIE There it is! My favorite!
TBG We're almost there! We'll have our lunch down there by the water.
JOODIE That was steep. I'm going to have to crawl back out of here.
JOODIE I saw this lizard from way back there! Look how that turquoise glows in the sun.
TBG That's the best one yet.
TBG 0.6 miles till we're back, I can see the parking lot from here. That was a great hike!
ACT VII, SCENE II
JOODIE Someone missed us. I bet they don't know she's in here.
VATI The power is still out. It is supposed to come back on at 3:30.
JOODIE I guess that means the heat hasn't been on in the pools, either. It's too chilly to go for a swim now. Did you have a nice time in town?
VATI We had lunch.
JOODIE I thought you were going to a museum?
MUTTI It had really strange exhibits, so we left.
VATI And went to lunch.
JOODIE Where did you go?
VATI Something Italian? It was good. Well, it's almost 4, and still no power. They're late.
JOODIE I wonder if it'll be on so we can cook dinner.
VATI Well, now it's 4:30, and still no power.
MUTTI We'll go to the store.
ACT VIII, SCENE I at the unit, after a breakfast of everything that was leftover
JOODIE Are we stupid or what? We could've gone for a run this morning.
TBG We are stupid.
JOODIE We could still go for a swim, the sun is on the pool. I bet it's warm.
(they go)
JOODIE I'm not getting out. I'm not leaving. (sigh) Three more years, and this will be our life.
ACT VIII, SCENE II
TBG Is everyone hungry yet?
MUTTI, VATI, JOODIE Yes.
(there is a line out the door)
WAITRESS Do you want to wait for a table outside or be seated right away inside?
JOODIE Uh, inside would be good.
MUTTI It's loud in here.
JOODIE It was loud in the other one, too.
VATI What?
ACT VIII, SCENE III just before noon on the drive to the airport
JOODIE What time is our flight?
MUTTI 3:50
JOODIE Three fifty? Man, I could've stayed in the pool another hour.
TBG Don't start.
JOODIE And Luna's going to be crying at the patio door, but no one will be there.
TBG She can go home.
JOODIE She doesn't want to go home, either.
ACT VIII, SCENE IV at the Palm Springs airport
JOODIE This airport sure is pretty.
TBG It sure is.
JOODIE At least if you have to spend three hours at an airport, this is a nice one to be at.
TBG It sure is. I wonder how they keep the grass so green with all the dogs peeing on it?
(a man with tattoo sleeves and a tall blond woman walk toward the TSA doors the wrong way)
MAN (realizing his mistake) I don't know what I'm doing!
TBG Yes, you do! You know how this works!
(the man and woman head off the other direction)
TBG Do you know who that was?
JOODIE No.
TBG That was the dude from Fast N' Loud. Rawlings.
JOODIE Oh. Cool. I wonder what he's doing here. Not really, though.
ACT VIII, SCENE V Joodie and TBG are walking along the breezeways sipping from small Perrier bottles
JOODIE I love California. They have Perrier everywhere. Except at the one Sherman's. I wonder why one had it and the other one didn't? At least we'll see Turtle when we get home.
TBG Yeah.
JOODIE And the chickens.
TBG Yeah, the chickens.
JOODIE But I sure wish it wasn't going to snow.
TBG Me, too.
JOODIE Three more years. They'll go by quick.
(they fall silent, sitting companionably on the bench in the sunshine, waiting to board the plane for home)
THE END
